Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
