God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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