At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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