Is it normal to miss your booty call?
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
