Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We had sex on a dog bed..
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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