seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
