I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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