The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
