Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
