Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
