Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The uberlube is also flammable
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
well, you know. whores of a feather.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
