I can tuck mytits in my pants
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
