Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The Olympian is in my bed
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
