My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
