The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Randomize
