I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize