Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
