Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
