Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
