You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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