who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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