I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
