apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
