She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
