At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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