Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
