I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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