i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
