Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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