I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
