Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
