Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
