Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
