I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
