I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
