I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
