Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
