and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
