Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
