You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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