Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
