I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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