How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
