This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
