new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
