She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
