did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize