Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
two words...techno handjob
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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