Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
