remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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