anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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