if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
worst night to have a conscience
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
