I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
