Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you inspire me to be a worse person
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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