she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
